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| On a Spiritual Journey |
| 08.04.03 (8:12 am) [edit] |
Well as the topic says, I find I am now on a spiritual journey. Been seeing a Christian guy for a few years now and last October he asked me to marry him. He is feeling what I call the "pull" back to God for a while now and watching him has brought up a large number of questions to me about my own faith.
A bit of background on me. Both my parents were forced into religion [i](catholic and anglican)[/i] and in my father's case it was by parents who really aren't religious. I was always told by my mom that I was more than welcome to question it all my "older life" [i](13 and up)[/i] but every chance I tried I tended to get "de-railed" by some problem with her. I also had a few bad instances with different religions over the years [i](the youth pastor that said that if you were around non-christians you *were* going to hell, the people who looked at me like I was satan himself because I didn't understand how to pray when I was six, and a few others)[/i].
I also had a problem with the "if you don't believe in God then you will go to hell". Had? Well I still have that problem and I very much doubt I will ever be okay with that one. Reason that is so hard is because my mother passed away in '98 and I refuse to believe that someone who is judgemental, mean, or a bigot can go to Heaven because they sat in a church once a week and my mother who was kind, charitable, giving and had many more "christian" traits but didn't go to church is burning in hell right now. She was too good of a person to have to go through that. I don't feel that she is with God right now but I do not think she is in hell either.
I also was raised that homosexuality is not bad. No one chooses who they love and now that I am an adult I have had many same-sex orientated friends and hold them as close to my heart as any straight friends. I think that someone who loves someone of the same sex and is a good caring person is a much better person then someone who is heterosexual but gossips, judges and condems others. Regretably, over the years I have met too many people who act like the latter who proclaim themselves as Christians.
So what has made me see Christians in a different light you ask? Well Aaron [i](my fiance)[/i] is part of it but not all. His dad and step-mom are a very large part. Both are very Christian and live their daily lives as Christian [i](something that isn't as common as it should be in some faiths). [/i]They truly [b]*believe*, [/b]this isn't something that is to [i]"keep them safe just in case Hell does exist". [/i]I truly believe that someone could tell them that Hell does exist and that all those who believe as they believe are going there and they would look at you, smile and tell you that they love Jesus and that nothing could convince them to renounce him. It's refreshing to see people who really believe without holding anything back.
I want the same peace they have, I want the same strength of conviction, I want the same true happiness. Now the question is to really dig deep within myself and see if I am choosing to take this path because I really believe or that I am doing it just for the selfish reasons I stated.
There is a course that exists (a bible study if you may) that is ment for those that are like me (questioning) or that are new but also works for those who just want to discuss God and Jesus. It's called Alpha. Aaron's dad and step-mom actually facilitate a group from time to time and next month there will be a [b]*very*[/b] large community run group of Alpha.
I pulled Aaron's step-mom aside last night and asked for her to tell me when it happens. I also took the chance to get into the topic with her. I feel so comfortable talking to her because I know that there is [b]*nothing*[/b] I could do that would make her judge me, there is [b]*nothing*[/b] I could say. I now know that there is someone who prays for me, and I now know who to talk to when I need to discuss this stuff face-to-face without fear.
Now I need more people who are willing to discuss this topic online without passing judgement. Any takers can feel free to add me to your IM lists ( MSN-kowbel@hotmail.com AOL-anicat23 Yahoo-anikat23@yahoo.com ICQ-108757806 ).
So now I take my first step on this spiritual journey......
.....just wish I knew where I was going to end up at the end. :oops:
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